Hectic Earth
by Latias Eevee
Summary: AU: Yuuri's life as he battles sexual identity issues of being part female, his friends' Murata and Shinou's crazy antics, and their own personal problems with themselves. side Murata/Shinou
1. Typical Day

Latias: ………………I know I should be working on many other things…but I've had this on paper (in VERY tiny writing) for so long (since May) that I just really want to get this down, done, and over with

Dark Latias: but still with feeling ;)

Crystal: we don't own Kyou Kara Maou, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah

Sunshine & Moonlight: You~ didn't ~ do~ that~ right! ~~

Mudd: Like you're one's to talk

Latias: ;;;;;;;;;;;;;

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE

**A Typical Day**

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

A terrified scream echoed throughout the town. Yuuri Shibuya was running from his so-called "best friends" as they chased him throughout the town.

"Wait! Shibuya! I just want to get you on film for a few minutes in the dress Shinou got you!" Yuuri's friend Murata, a double black of fifteen like himself, shouted. Murata almost always had a digital video camera with him and this time was no different.

"NO!" Yuuri shouted back at him.

"But Daughter!" his other friend Shinou, a blond young man with blue eyes and three years older than the other two, called to him, "This dress suits you very well!" Shinou was known throughout the town for doing crazy things.

"I said no! I am not your daughter, you psycho spaz! I'm not even female!" he immediately regretted uttering his last words.

"Shibuya, you know as well as we do that you're both!" Murata responded.

Yuuri blushed and didn't respond for a moment. When he was younger, he thought that it was some stupid joke his mother had made up and convinced most people of as an excuse to dress him up in girl's clothes (she really wanted a daughter and she considered him cute enough). He was even convinced that his doctor was in on the joke since he never gave Yuuri any actual proof and he used all of the terms everyone else used. And everyone used different terms for it; mostly hermaphrodite, transgender, or simply a boy-girl. Since Yuuri's outer physical appearance was completely male, he didn't think that he could be any part female. Unfortunately for Yuuri, the truth revealed itself no too long ago in the form of a period and now Murata and Shinou won't leave him alone about it.

"You don't have to announce it to the world, you know!"

"Look who's talking Shibuya!" Murata panted, he wasn't very athletic.

"Gyah!"

Yuuri picked up the pace and he soon arrived at his house.

"Hello, Yu-chan –-" his mother greeted, but he quickly cut her off.

"I'm not here! Don't let them in!" Yuuri quickly made it to his room and barricaded his door.

'I hope it holds…and hopefully they don't pull any underhanded tricks…Great, I'm still screwed any way I think about it.'

"Oi, Shibuya!" he heard Murata's voice from the other side of the door. It was hardly any surprise that they had already gotten pasted his mother, since she says things like:

"Yu-chan says he's not home. Being so rude to his friends, I thought I taught him better than that…You can come in if you'd like."

'Honestly, sometimes I wonder who's more peculiar: her or my "friends".

Yuuri heard a click. They had picked the lock. He pushed his back against his barricade as his felt it shake. After a few moments, the shaking stopped. There was no way that they had given up that easily.

"Mama-san!" he heard Murata's voice, "Yu-chan's blocked the door and we can't say hello!"

"You can say hello just fine!" Yuuri snapped.

"Yuuri," Shinou whimpered, "Don't you like us anymore?"

'Great,' Yuuri sighed, 'a tattletale and guilt trip…just what I need…'

Yuuri put the pieces of furniture that he had used to barricade the door back in their proper places. He was no sooner done with this when Shinou burst into the door and tackled Yuuri into a fierce hug.

"Oh Mura-chan! Our child's forgiven us!"

"I'm not your kid!"

"Don't worry Mama-san, we've been allowed to enter," Murata called back down to Yuuri's mother.

Within a few minutes, Yuuri was in a frilly pink dress, being filmed by Murata, and being fussed over by Shinou. Truthfully, after all the years of his mother dressing him up in girls' clothes, Yuuri didn't mind wearing the dress. What he did mind, however, was Murata's and Shinou's constant need to film and put him in embarrassing situations with their twisted senses of humor. Once, when Yuuri had come home from his part time job at Switched, a restaurant that requires its workers to wear uniforms that would normally be worn by the opposite gender, Shinou had come over with a leaf blower and pointed it at him. Murata had meanwhile sneaked up behind him, managing to film a few seconds of Yuuri's upturned skirt before Yuuri stormed away inside his house. It was something that Yuuri would rather not remember.

"So, so, Yu-chan, I've been thinking," Shinou interrupted his thoughts, "Maybe for our InsanaCon skit this year, we could make a parody on that Greek legend about hermaphrodites using various anime characters."

"No way!" Yuuri exclaimed, "I already told you that I don't want to go to that psychotic convention again. I know what you're planning with that idea, and I don't like it! Knowing you guys, everyone will know about it by the end of the convention – if not by the end first day…its bad enough that many people in town already know about because of you two."

"But Yuuri, you're the only one who could properly play the part," Shinou whined.

"I'm a terrible actor, and there are better candidates, Sir Bishounen," Yuuri shot back.

Murata's pushed up his glasses and they gained a glint, "But only you could do it with complete sincerity, so it wouldn't completely be acting."

Yuuri sighed, closing his eyes, searching his mind for some way out. After a few moments, Yuuri opened his eyes and smirked. The answer was so simple, and he couldn't believe he hadn't thought about it earlier.

"So, which one of you is going to be the female?" he asked them.

Shinou and Murata looked at each other.

"I'll be the female!"

"No, I'll be the female!"

"I'm a bishounen!"

"You're more dominate!"

Yuuri rolled his eyes as his made his way out of the room, making sure to lock it. He knew that Shinou would be the first one to the door, and for whatever reason, Shinou had trouble unlocking doors on the side that should be easy to unlock and that Shinou wouldn't let Murata near the door, assuring that "I can do this!"

Just another typical day in Yuuri's hectic life…

---To Be Continued---

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE

10/28/08 – 11/1/08

Latias: after delaying this several times…it's finally here!

Dark Latias: and finally done…the first chapter, at least

Latias: While the skit mentioned in this chapter isn't the one that will be used, Yuuri and the others will be going to InsanaCon in a later chapter…now I just have to write the next chapter (which was the idea that originally inspired the fic) and I'll be done with what I've written down…if you are interested in any hints on the next chapter, I have a picture of Shinou on my Deviantart account and in my scraps there is a one page, four panel, uncolored comic that was poorly drawn, mostly for stress relief (I didn't really make any effort to make it look nice…but it seems I have little patience for stick figures…) Latias-Eevee…

Also, I don't know much on Yuuri's condition...I don't know much about it and I don't mean to offend anybody...I skimmed over a few things in an attempt to know more, but the pictures drove me away (school computer equals I'll be in big trouble either way). I won't go into heavy details with it, but it will be important later on (not just a thing for the nuts in the fic to make fun of...)

Edits 11/7/08, 11/14/08, 11/25/08


	2. Spaz et Oreo

Latias: Okay, here's chapter two of this wacky fic

Dark Latias: it feature's one of our favorite cookies: the Oreo

**Disclaimer: We do not own Kyou Kara Maou, KFC, Oreos, nor do we own the song The White Stuff [or anything mentioned in it] (which was the original inspiration for this chapter and this fic in general!); also we are not trying to promote anything, it's all for laughs…with some seriousness, newly added**

Mudd: Now, it is time

*NOTE* For simplicities sake, I will refer to Yuuri as "he"

TRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTR

**Spaz et Oreo**

Shinou was bored! He had absolutely nothing to do. He didn't know where Yuuri and Murata were. He was desperate. He had to find something to do! But as Shinou looked around the kitchen, he found nothing. Nothing he hadn't done countless times before.

Pots and pans. He had beaten dents into over years of pretending they were drums since he was two, he had no interest in. Knifes. He had played darts with the night before and had yet to remove them from his mother's tack board. Spoons. He was wary of the spoons; his mother was still mad at him for flinging one full of peanut butter into a guest's drink. The table. He looked at it longingly, Shinou had no one to play hide-and-seek with. The table cloth. It was the cause of much misery when he tried that trick and all the dishes broke. Moving to the refrigerator, Shinou found a moldy pizza slice hidden deep within, but he didn't care much for it at the moment. After staring at the icemaker, he was sad that his mother had thrown away his KFC bucket and couldn't make ice-popcorn.

Then Shinou noticed an old CD player and an old CD case on one of the counters.

"Ah! Maybe this will help me find something to do!" Shinou squealed gleefully.

After a while of randomly popping discs into the player and listening to random songs, Shinou finally found one that caught his interest. Looking back at the card that had the title, he read:

"The White Stuff, by Weird Al Yankovic"

Shinou smirked, definitely something to do. He started to sing loudly while looking around the kitchen again.

"_But I love the filling most_

_I rub it on my roast_

_Mix it in with my coffee_

_And spread it on my toast_!

"Coffee…toast…roast…mug…butter knife…plates…" Shinou muttered as he searched through drawers and cabinets. Out of one cabinet, he pulled out two loaves of bread.

"White and wheat…which should I use?" he mused. Examining each of the loaves, Shinou soon made his decision.

"Wheat is darker than white, it'll stand out more! Plus, it's more healthy, two for one!"

Shinou put the white bread back in the cabinet and put two pieces of bread into the toaster.

"Now, I need a knife, a butter knife! A butter knife to spread the white cream onto my toast!"

Shinou went over to a counter where the cutting knives were located and started searching through them. Every incorrect knife he found, he threw behind him. Miraculously, every knife Shinou threw landed on a dartboard he had placed across the kitchen. After concluding that a butter knife wasn't among the ones on the counter, he started to look through the drawers. Rags. Uninteresting. His father's miscellaneous tools. Remember for later. Cameras.

"This video camera could be useful…"

Shinou muttered as he took the camera out of the drawer and a blank DVD disc out of another. After a while of searching and a few upturned drawers, he finally found the silverware drawer and the butter knives. Shinou stood staring at the knife for a minute, having temporarily forgotten why he was searching for a butter knife in the first place. Walking towards the now silent CD player and noticing the now cold pieces of toast in the toaster, Shinou remembered his task. Putting the butter knife next to the toaster, Shinou thought about his approach to the situation.

'I'm getting rather bored. This is one of those times that pretending to be an idiot isn't all that fun…Time to be a little more serious…'

With that thought in mind, Shinou turned the CD player on, put the song on repeat, and promptly collected the coffee, mug, plates, and various other items. Looking through all the items he had gathered, Shinou noticed that he didn't have any of the kinds of meat needed to make roast and his stash of Oreos was low.

"Looks like I'll have to go shopping," Shinou said with a grin, 'Hopefully, I'll be able to meet Yuuri and Ken.'

Going towards the door, Shinou grabbed his jacket and headed out the door.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Oreos.

Shinou stared at the Oreo section of the of the cookie aisle, as he tried to decide how many Oreos he should buy and what kind. As luck would have it for him, Miko Shibuya started to pass his aisle with a disgruntled Yuuri in tow. The two looking very much like a mother and daughter out shopping in matching light blue dresses.

"Mama! Yuuri! How are you?" Shinou greeted them.

Yuuri stared. Shinou had greeted them rather normally. Not good. Unfortunately for Yuuri, his mother grabbed his shoulder and prevented him from escaping.

"Why hello, Shin-chan, how are you today?" Miko asked.

"I'm fine, thank you."

"Is there anything we can help you with?"

"Actually, yes!" Shinou's eyes shined gleefully.

Yuuri couldn't help but groan. He wasn't going to be getting out of this one…

"I need to figure out what kind of Oreos and how many I should buy, and after that I need to know about the kind of meat needed to make roast," Shinou continued excitedly.

Yuuri was afraid to ask, but his mother had no such qualms.

"Now what do you need Oreos and roast for, Shin-chan?"

"I want to act out the lyrics to the song 'The White Stuff'," Shinou replied, "Oreos are the main theme and it mentions roast."

Yuuri looked at Shinou like he was a crazy idiot.

"That's a waste of food! I don't care if you're rich-"

"But Yu-chan, Shin-chan has a regular house just like us," Miko Shibuya looked confused and both boys were surprised.

"I know I act rather strange, but…" Shinou started.

Yuuri balked, "I can't believe you didn't see the huge mansion that's not even a football field's length behind his house, you've been there eight times…and if that wasn't a giveaway, the mansion's driveway wraps around the house…"

Miko just smiled and Yuuri groaned. His mother had been like this the whole day and he wasn't looking forward to more from her or Shinou. Shinou looked at Yuuri with sympathy.

'Maybe I won't go as far as I had intended…'

"Come on, Yuuri," Shinou said as he grabbed Yuuri's arm, "Let's go get some roast and Oreos!"

Once they were a few aisles away, Shinou stopped, letting go of Yuuri's hand, and he closed his eyes.

"Uh, Shinou…" Yuuri's voice faded when he noticed how serious Shinou looked, which confused him.

"Yuuri," Shinou's eyes seemed so full of sadness that Yuuri was shocked and even more confused, "Have I troubled you? You seemed stressed with your mother right now…and many of my actions I think of as more extreme of hers…I…I don't mean to make you feel bad…I just remember that you once smiled and laughed at my actions…you were happy…do I trouble you now?"

"Eeeeeh?!" Yuuri was surprised, to say the least, "That's what all of your extra crazy behavior was about? To make me happy? Shinou, just be yourself, you're crazy enough normally without exaggerating it more… You don't need to go out of your way to make me happy, you just end up trying too hard."

Shinou looked at Yuuri with gratitude in his eyes and he gave Yuuri a big hug.

"I'll be more like myself for now on. But because I still owe you a lot and simply because I like you as a very important friend, I will still try to make you happy!"

Shinou let go of Yuuri and Yuuri sweatdropped.

'I don't think he completely got it…'

Shinou looked at Yuuri with a smiling expression Yuuri could only describe as childlike.

"So, instead of my original plans, how about we make some pot roast and I'll put on a show for you?"

"I'd have to ask my mom first…" 'She'd let me go anyways, though…'

Getting up in Yuuri's face and grabbing his hands Shinou asked, "But you'll come if she says it's okay?"

Yuuri smiled a slightly nervous smile. He knew Shinou was trying to apologize and just wanted to see him smile, but there's almost always trouble when Shinou's involved in something.

"Yes, I will."

YUYUYUYUYUYUYUYUYUYUYUYUYUYUYUYUYUYUYUYUYUYUYU

Yuuri rolled his eyes as he watched Shinou cutting carrots from the corner of his eye as they were preparing the ingredients for the pot roast. He vaguely wondered if he should be worried, and if he should, should he be more worried about his friend's mental sanity or whether Shinou was going to cut himself with that knife. At times, Shinou would get real close and act as though cutting carrots required the utmost precision. At others he diced them haphazardly into small uneven cubes. Shinou was about to attempt to drop the knife on the carrots, but Yuuri felt he should intervene.

"Shinou!" Yuuri scolded him while taking the knife away and shaking it in Shinou's face, "That's dangerous! If you drop a knife, it's likely that it will bounce back and cut you! Honestly, if you keep this up, I'm going to ban you from your own kitchen!"

Yuuri noticed Shinou staring at him with an odd look and realized what he had been doing.

"Of course, if I don't ban myself first…"

Yuuri continued to look at Shinou with a seriousness that he meant what he said. Looking at Yuuri blankly, Shinou wasn't quite sure what to do. Truthfully, he had never cooked before and he didn't know what he was doing. Shinou decided that he would go ahead and ask Yuuri, gently taking the knife back and holding up it with a questioning look on his face.

"What is the proper way to cut carrots for pot roast?"

At first Yuuri stared at Shinou blankly. Then he sighed with slight irritability.

"The same way you cut them that time we cooked curry for our school trip," and under his breath Yuuri muttered, "That was about the only thing done right, no one else didn't seem to realize that we were going to eat it…"

Shinou's eyes shown with happiness. Yuuri had complemented him! Suddenly Shinou tackled Yuuri into a fierce hug, earning a yelp of protest from the said person.

"Sh-Sh-Shinou!" Yuuri cried out, "Be careful with that thing!"

Realizing his mistake, Shinou pulled back with shame. A terrible thing nearly occurred. Knives were dangerous, Shinou was all too aware of that. How could he have forgotten? Though he knew why as well, deep in his mind. Shinou reveled in Yuuri's praise, any sort of approval made him forget himself. After what Yuuri had done for him, Shinou just couldn't help but try to make his friend happy.

"I'm sorry," Shinou whimpered, "I'll get out of the kitchen…I…I have to work on my entertainment for you anyways…"

Shinou quickly rushed out of the kitchen before Yuuri could stop him. Yuuri closed his eyes and sighed.

"Great, I've made him upset, again," he muttered while glancing around the kitchen, "If I'd lived Shinou's life, I'd probably act the same way. 'We humans are idiots…' or something, as that character in that book Shinou reads all of the time says…"

MRMRMRMRMRMRMRMRMRMRMRMRMRMRMRMRMRMRMR

When Yuuri was done with all of the preparations, he left the kitchen to look for Shinou. Going quickly through a few rooms, Yuuri soon found Shinou in the living room of the house. Shinou was lying on the couch looking as though he was sleeping with an unopened package of Oreos covering his face.

"Hey, Sir Cookie Monster!" Yuuri shouted, hoping to get Shinou's attention, "About how long do you think that your so-called entertainment will last? I'd rather be done with this before your mother comes to check on you. Even though we never do anything to cause her to be suspicious in the way that she is, she's paranoid. Though there are times I wish some people other than her were at least slightly suspicious so I would have better things to do other than hang out with you twenty-four seven when you're bored."

Shinou sat up and looked at Yuuri with a curious and confused look on his face.

"I understand why my mother is suspicious of you. We have a lot of money, and males and females, even partial ones, alone together is something to worry about. But why is it that no one else is weary about us?"

Yuuri chuckled slightly.

"Because everyone else knows how crazy you are for Murata and they also know that no matter how crazy you act you have strict morals that include not doing anything of _that_ sort outside of marriage."

"That's true," Shinou chuckled as well, "You're in here, is the food ready already?"

"No, with your particular high-tech 'slow cooker' it will take about thirty minutes…Nothing's all that slow anymore…"

"Yeah…well, I guess I do the entertainment while waiting for the food."

(1) Yuuri sat down on the couch as Shinou got the last few touches ready. Anything Shinou came up with in boredom was always entertaining, had at least some parts that were funny, but embarrassing if you were a part of it. Shinou turned on the CD player and started to dance Egyptian-like, grinning with an Oreo in his mouth. Whenever "What's in the middle?" was said, Shinou would spin while flapping his uniform jacket and held it back to emphasize his white shirt when "The white stuff" was said.

_The first one was a sweet one  
Second one was a blast  
Soon I finished off the bag, ate 'em up real fast  
You can see em in my teeth  
Tell it when I talk  
Had so many my pancreas just went into shock_

While the lyrics were sang, Shinou tossed the Oreo in his mouth in the air and promptly ate it. Standing sideways, Shinou pretended to stuff a package of Oreos down his throat. Yuuri wasn't very amused with the last line and with Shinou pretending to be sick, he never liked crude humor that much.

_I love the white stuff, baby  
In the middle of an Oreo  
I love the white stuff, baby  
__It's the most delicious thing I know_

For the next part Shinou took a pillow that looked like an Oreo and started hugging it, then he licked his lips.

_I've had a zillion or two  
In my life, they're so right  
My teeth are all rotted clear through  
But who cares? What else am I supposed to do?_

Shinou juggled some small Oreo packs and clacked a pair of fake rotting teeth. Then he repeated the actions he did for "The white stuff" lines when they were played with added "oh"'s and "What's in the middle".

_The first time that I tried it  
Got a big sugar buzz  
Nothing gets me high as that sandwich cookie does  
But I love the filling most  
I rub it on my roast  
Mix it in with my coffee and spread it on my toast_

Shinou took out a black and white bee mask with "Sugar" across the forehead and started to jump around until he got to a table. He quickly put the mask down and started to rub his plastic cow "Betsy" with an Oreo. He quickly took a drink of coffee and scrapped an Oreo on a piece of toast.

_I love the white stuff, baby  
In the middle of an Oreo  
I love the white stuff, baby  
Take some with me everywhere I go_

Shinou hugged his pillow again and jingled an Oreo shaped carrying case.

_Might get a pimple or two  
Well, so what? its all right  
Now Twinkies and ding dongs wont do  
All I need... you know what it is_

Shinou turned around and when he turned back, he had on a rather strange rubber mask on. It was ugly and pimply…and it had strings of Twinkies and Ding Dongs hanging from its ears. He put an Oreo in its mouth and started to dance around, the sweets swinging in long circles.

At the end of the song he repeated the "White stuff" act (still wearing the mask) and at the last note Shinou struck a dramatic pose.

Yuuri, who had been laughing a little throughout the whole thing, after a moment to take it all in, starting to laugh so hard the he had to hold his sides and lean against the side of the couch.

"Y…y…you are …such…a…an idiot!" Yuuri gasped between breaths.

Shinou could only smile a silly grin at the sight of his friend. Seeing Yuuri so happy…

"Shinou! I'm home!" a female voice echoed into the room.

"Mother! Quick Yuuri, out the back door!" Shinou panicked.

"I thought you got rid of it!"

"It's back now, hurry before she sees you."

Yuuri rushed to Shinou's so-called "back door". It was a door that blended into the wall and it was now covered with a tapestry to conceal it further. Behind it was a hidden passage that led to a closet near the actual back door. When Shinou's mother discovered it in the past, she had it sealed off, but apparently Shinou found a way to unseal it without her knowledge. After Yuuri closed the door, he paused, fearing that the echoes from his footsteps would be heard and he was worried for Shinou.

"Look at this mess! Shinou, honestly, you are so childish. This stuff is ancient! You don't need that CD player, it's big and bulky, those new mini systems or whatever they are, are better for you. You just waste and act like a little kid!"

Yuuri stopped listening after that. Listening anymore would make him too angry to think straight, and he knew he could fight against someone like Shinou's mother. Yuuri took the shopping list he had been using earlier and wrote on the back.

"Shinou,

You are old enough to move out. I never knew things were like this here…I had heard that your mother was two-faced, but I didn't think that…You should definitely get away from here.

Yuuri."

Hanging the note on the hall light's pull string, Yuuri slowly made his way down the hallway passage…

TO be ContINued…

OPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOP

(1) Truthfully, I'm not sure the way I worded things for Shinou's act is any good, though it's better than what I originally had…it doesn't feel quite right, if anybody has any suggestions, it would be much appreciated. I'll mention anyone who helps and I use it.

Latias: It took longer than I thought…but then, I lost a bit of drive for a few days when I lost the paper I had it written on…but now that I think about it, it was probably a good thing. In some of the most recent episodes, they show a much more serious side to Shinou that wasn't even implied before (he has been shown as serious, but not really in such a context…). I want to incorporate that…I've also decided to make some parts a little less random than originally intended. I do not know if they have Oreos in Japan, but considering it is AU and even though nothing has happened in the story yet to imply it, the story is set a little more into the future, I don't think it matters much…Now as much as an 'Oreo Spaz' as I had originally planned, but it's better.

11/7?/08-12/18/08……2/16/09-2/19/09


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